Black Friday!!!

Hell Mart

This is it!!! Today is the day millions of lemmings dressed in FUBU and 501’s will storm the gates of Wal-Mart. I like going just for the simple hedonistic pleasure of watching grown men and women lose all sense of civility and letting that primal animal come out.

Nothing beats watching a 64 year old Grandma take wrapping paper out of another persons hand and walk off with a gangsta limp. Or how bout the 8 year old kid that throws a tantrum in the check out line with mom while everyone behind her is secretly wishing she would lay the pimp hand down.

Yep, tis the season ya’ll. We have to go bankrupt and act the fool to prove not only to our kids but to the world that we love them and are great providers. I think Jesus wanted it this way, what do you think? Every year in honor of his birthday, we let all of that greed, lust and nastiness come out in a day proclaimed as “Black Friday”.

We normally take this time to teach our kids that this is a day best left alone. If God wanted me to spend 4 months worth of salary and max out my credit to give stuff to my kids that they will break within 72 hours, he would have made me into Bill Gates or at the very least a trust fund kid.

Alas, poverty is to be my lot in life. My daughter will get a stuffed animal (From the thrift store), and some boxes to play with. My wife will probably get some slippers and a bathrobe. I will once again get some socks and another pint of Old Spice to add to the 5 gallons worth I have sitting in my closet.

We can afford a little more, but we won’t. We have discovered we enjoy being together and going to the ice rink more than hitting the shopping circuit. We don’t want our daughter growing up thinking of Christmas as some sort of payday. It is meant for our family as a holy day.

Every year we also battle with all the facilities kids getting more junk than they know what to do with. Most is broken or traded to another kid before the new year even starts. Most people donating these toys think that by loading them up with toys it makes everything better for them. They seem to think the kids will remember all the gifts and parties and be okay. It’s a great thought, but come December 26th, they will be waking up in the same situation they were in last week. The toys will not last long. I have a kid that breaks magnets. Seriously, this boy should get some kinda honorary nuclear physicists degree or something. I don’t know how he does it.

Next time a sponsor asks what they can do, tell them to become a resource family and let some of these kids spend some time with them and their families. Heck, for the truly hardcore tell them to become a foster family. There are no shortages of kids, people to donate toys or toy drives.

I wish there were more people that were invested in helping make a difference in the kids life year round, not just during the holidays to make themselves feel better.

Anyway, here is my list of things I’d rather be doing on “Black Friday” than casting my shadow across the threshold of Wally-World.

1. Watching “Anne of Green Gables”. All eight hours.
2. Shaving Houseparent Network on my back so I can do some Guerilla advertising (Pun intended) at the gym pool.
3. Watch the golf network with the surround sound cranked all the way up.
4. Scrap the McDonalds Happy Meal off the roof of the mini-van.
5. Watch the Life Time channel with my wife without being able to make comments about how every show revolves around a man doing a woman wrong.
6. Finish editing my power point slide show on the different stages of my ingrown toenail infection. (I’m trying to get my pic in the New England Medical Journal)
7. Prostate exam.

You get the idea.

So best of luck to all you holiday shoppers on this glorious day. -Launch

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About Launchpad

Motorcycles. I average about 1,500 miles a month. Anyone, anywhere up for a ride pm me. I am always up for a run, no matter what brand of scoot you got. Favorite movie- School Of Rock and Office Space. Favorite TV shows- House, Daily Report, Colbert Report, Discovery and History channel. Favorite Bands- Casting Crowns, Led Zeppelin, Matisyahu, Precho, John Boys Courage, Primus, POD, Dave Matthews, Dashboard Confessional, The Boss and Obadiah Parker. I am also a big fan of most 80's rock. Affiliation- Non-Denominational. How I hope to die- In a big glorious explosion. Favorite Food- Anything that is classified as a carb or drips with grease.

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