Don’t Count on Technology!!!!
September 20, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
If you are concerned about the things your children see on the Internet and want to try and protect them from it, don’t count on technology to do it for you. I work at a children’s home that uses the most current filtering software to try and protect our children from the bad influences of the Internet. I found out today how easy it is to defeat.
You would think that since I work with the Internet everyday that I would know about these things, but I had never heard of tunnel proxies until today. Tunnel proxies are what our children use to access blocked sites such myspace.com, penthouse.com, and all the other sites that our filtering software is supposed to block. Type in “unblock myspace” or “tunnel proxy” in a search engine and you will get listing after listing of different sites that offer a free tunnel proxy to allow your children to access material you thought was being blocked by your filtering software.
Using several of these proxies I was able to view several of the sites that our filtering software was supposed to be blocking. Just so you know, we use top of the line filtering software installed on our server and updated daily. I am sure there are other programs that can be used to stop these proxies but I am also sure it will just continue to be a tit for tat game of cat and mouse that will continued to played with us putting up blocks and somebody else writing software to defeat it.
So the realization that I came to today as did our administrators is that protecting our children from the Internet comes down to good parenting skills; you can’t rely on technology to do it for you.
So what can you do?
- Be clear with your children and explain to them your expectations and under what conditions they will be allowed to continue to use the computer.
- Keep the computers in the public parts of the house. Children are less likely to view offensive material if they have to do it in a public place.
- Do not be a afraid to look over their shoulder when they are viewing the internet. Accountability goes a long ways in helping somebody make good choices. If they suddenly close the browser as you approach, don’t be afraid to look at the history and see what they were viewing. There are also programs that run in the background that can record sites viewed and everything typed by the user.
- If your child continues to view inappropriate material don’t be afraid to block them from the computer. There are several good programs that can be used to limit access to the computer and internet. At the facility I work at we use “Computer Time” and I highly recommend it.
- Don’t bury your head in the sand and think your children are immune from the garbage on the internet, turns out every kid on campus over the age for 13 knew how to do this. Be proactive, and most of all spend time with them, get to know them, and know what they are doing (have a relationship with them).
- Continue to use filtering software; it still works great for protecting younger children from the perils of the internet.
I believe these measures can be effective whether you are a birth parent trying to limit the offensive material your children have access to or a houseparent trying to do the same for the children in your care.
Dating in your home
September 20, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
dontlietokids.net
Do you allow your kids to bring their boyfriends or girlfriends into your home? I’ve met many house parents who are proud that a member of the opposite sex has NEVER entered their home.
This puzzles me. Have we never been teenagers before? Have we forgotten what dating was like? The house parents who don’t allow bf/gf to visit in their home always talk about raging hormones and such, but that’s exactly why I do allow my girls boyfriends to visit.
Now don’t get me wrong, I make them stay in a public place. I check on them frequently, and I always get to know the boy, telling them my expectations. I get involved with my girls relationships offering advice and opinion as much as possible.
Look, if you never allow your kids to date, if they can’t bring home this person they THINK they love, what do you think they will do? So often they will end up in the bushes somewhere. What’s more scary still is that you can set up a “Romeo and Juliet” relationship where the kids think “it’s us against the world” and then you’re asking for even bigger trouble.
I suggest the following.
1) Get to know the person your child likes.
2) Invite them over, talk to them, lay down ground rules.
3) Let the bf/gf know that you are involved in your kids lives and that can be good or bad for them, it’s up to them.
4) Talk frequently to your kids about why you do what you do and what you expect from them in return.
5) Supervise, interact, and walk around like a warden when the visits happen. I am very relational with my kids, but when their boyfriends visit I don’t care if I act like a prison guard (lol). I care about my kids too much to allow anything to happen, but I also care to much to ban bf’s from my house because I KNOW the result of that approach.
At least think about it..
webmaster
This may surprise some people considering the history I have with Adam but I 100% agree with him on this one.
In addition I would like to add that I feel much better when my son’s girlfriend is here than when he is out with her, because when they are here I know nothing inappropriate is happening. Same goes for kids I’ve had in the past and also in the future when our daughter and other children become old enough to be immune to cooties.
Launchpad
I know sooner or later I will be dealing with this issue. At present I have no kids that are at the dating stage, but we are getting close. It’s kinda one of those things Iv’e taken for granted. I really don’t even know our policy on it- but will be finding out shortly after seeing this post.
What are the limits of personal display of affection?
How do you handle (or do you) off campus dates, for example movies?
Just the nature of what we do, supervision has to be a constant. I am very curious as to how to effectively balance the supervision and personal space with teens that are at the next level of developing a healthy relationship with the opposite gender. I believe a lot of facilities choose to not even allow a dating relationship to happen because of the above mentioned concerns and the unmentioned but obvious sexual concerns.
dontlietokids.net
I let our girls sit with their boyfriends. I must be able to see their head and hands at all times.
I try and make other kids sit in the same room with them when at all possible. I often try and have double dates in the home, not just ONE couple in a room by themselves.
PDA can be no more than one arm around a shoulder or a head (high) on a shoulder. That’s it.
Off campus dates are granted based on trust, level of student (we have levels where I work that kids earn by behavior and attitude), and their willingness to allow me to know about their relationship and talk to me and or my wife about it.
Launchpad
Thanks!
I do like the level achievement systems. It really gives kids something to work towards and a little easier on staff discussions as to which kids qualify to do what without all the drama a treatment team can muster. Kind of makes me long for the ole’ Boys Town Achievement levels.
Cool topic- Looking forward to going back on shift and finding out where we stand on the dating issue.
Called2workwith youth
Have any of you had to deal with the kids that put on a real good facade of being good and trustworthy and all that, just to get on the highest level. Then once they do and get the privilege of going in town on a date, they get caught having sex and get dropped. That seemed to happen a lot at the place we worked at.
I agree teens should be allowed to date, but there should definitely be supervision.
When You’re off…..
September 20, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
momofmany
When you’re off duty for respite how does your house run? The same, better or worse. We just took time off with new relief people and our kids ran our house, and not in a good way. Any tips on how you handle this?
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TexPop
I’ve dealt with this too. It makes it almost more stressful to go off-duty than staying on. In our situation, our off-duty apartment is attached to the cottage – so we’re always here.
We’ve made a cottage handbook, specifically for the Relief Houseparents, which includes our rules and practices as well as a handbook on the kids so the Relief knows what to expect from each child. This also includes things like daily cottage routines and generally-used consequences. On our very first meeting with the Relief we reviewed this handbook at length.
If the problems observed don’t pertain to the health and well being of the kids then I wait until our “changeover meeting” to discuss it with the relief Houseparents. Make a list with specifics and review them in your meeting. There may be a need for a “shadowing” period so the Relief can understand what you mean. All in all, it will depend on the attitude and receptiveness of the Relief. I would definitely be prepared to raise the issue with the campus administrator if problems persist. This is another good reason to document specific examples.
Also, I tell the kids that I will continue to hold them responsible for following the well-known rules of the cottage – even though I may be off-duty.
-TexPop
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momofmany
The guys know we hold them accountable, it just seems this time they went wild. I don’t know what it was. The notes from the people covering were not good, which I have taken up with my supervisor. I know I am a control freak, and that does not help, but the house was a wreck, the kids were horrible. Everyone on campus knew what my kids had done and that we were off. I think that coming back on was the most frustrated I had been. Our apartment attaches to the house, but we had made a quick trip out of town. It has been hard just trying to get them back on track.
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Launchpad
Awesome tip with the cottage handbook Texpop!
If there has been serious problems with respite I have talked with the respite to find out what’s going on, (Maybe the kids are giving them an extra hard tim) try to resolve the issue and if that does not work, it’s time to take it up the chain with the supervisor for satisfaction.
I’m also a bit of a control freak so I’ve had to learn to just live with some stuff and recognize some people have different expectations. Just cause the cereal bowls ended up in the wrong cabinet does not mean I need to get ugly on the relief.
Kids (even your most trustworthy kid) will hustle any adult that is not with them full time. Kinda like substitute teacher day in school. A cottage handbook like Texpop is talking about should reduce much of the drama.
I use to really hate going on respite because it seemed like we had to start over from scratch every time we came back on. Anytime there is a flux in the schedule it sends a lot of kids into a tail spin. Unfortunately in this setting it is not possible for a facility to keep the same HP’s in the house 24- 7, 365 days a year without a break. So the house spinning up is going to be reality no matter what we do. The only thing we can do is try to minimize the spinning as much as possible. Set rules and very, well defined boundaries that are strictly followed by the respite help a great deal. If the respite is not willing to do that- It will be bad for everyone.
I have only worked with one lady that was absolutely horrible at being respite. Kids allowance came up missing and groceries would just vanish. She did not last long. Most of the respite couples I worked with were awesome. Glad I don’t live that life!
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webmaster
Relief is a necessary evil of residential childcare, which by the way I am very much enjoying at the moment, and will always cause some disruption with the children and staff when it happens. I used to be really uptight about everything being perfect with the kids and relief staff but have come to realize it’s not going to be.
I do however very much agree with Texpop that holding the children responsible for their behavior whether or not you are there goes a long way in helping the situation. Our kids know that if they try to manipulate the relief staff and do things they are not supposed to we will give them consequences on top of whatever relief staff gave them.
It’s also much better when you have consistent relief staff. Our kids don’t try to get over on regular relief staff near as much as they do, when we have vacation relief staff covering the cottage. I think familiarity with the children is one of the top stabilizing factors with the children. When relief staff knows the children and what the rules are things seem to go better.
You also have to consider the frequency that there seems to be chaos. Even with good relief staff, fair and consistent rules, and great relationships between the kids and staff, there are going to be those times when the kids seem to just flip out and that’s when you hammer them when you get back. Our kids seem to do it about once a year. If it’s happening every relief then there is probably a problem with staff (either you or relief), or the program.
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bakergirl
Our kids love testing relief. They will pull stuff that doesn’t even sound like them. It’s pretty sad. I just consistently tell them “we know what you did” and give consequences. I think it will eventually settle down when the relief has been here for awhile.
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Seamus
I know that everyone has complaints about relief – including myself – and how the house is messy when you come back and the kids are a struggle, but think about it from the kids perspective as well. When we are at the home, the kids feel safe, protected, and structured. Each of these is the EXACT OPPOSITE of the life that they have come from. Each of these kids have been abandoned, abused, left, ripped out of homes and thrown into new ones. They finally start letting their defenses down with us because we have provided a safe and structured home environment for them. They can learn to be the “responsible” kids that we see each day. Well, when we up and leave every month or two weeks or whatever our schedule is, it is just like when mom left or dad left or those foster parents they were with for two days that they were never able to trust and build a relationship with. OF COURSE all those old behaviors – that we don’t see anymore – start coming out again. It’s their way to cope – they are putting their defenses back up. This is especially true if the relief is inconsistent or constantly changing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT excusing the behavior AT ALL. We do give consequences when we come back for things that might have happened, but ‘s sometimes good to think of it from the kids perspective as well.
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glidenhi
Well I guess I feel mostly for the kids, cause they are the ones that have multiple bosses. They are the ones that have to switch gears if there isn’t consistency. Have you ever worked in the business world and had two bosses who do things differently? I have…and it’s the pits!
I believe the secret to a wholesome household…be it a regular family or a group family….is unity among those that run the house. It is rare. Just like a wife and husband are one in marriage and better present a united front to the children; houseparents….all of the houseparents…had better be married in purpose and understand each other and come up with a compromise/unified plan that works for the household. The main houseparents should have an outline of each child’s character traits and strengths and weaknesses and a plan for building/redeeming each child with progress reporting. All other houseparents should add to and maintain the outline/plan/progress. Part of the completion of any stay at the house should be an update to the plan and a meeting in the changeover to assure that the plan is still unified and on track. If that takes meeting in the office on the morning of the changeover, then so be it.
Too often, I saw no plan and no unity and no coordination going on. I saw a lot of turf protection and keeping of secrets, though. I saw kids that were being punished for bad behavior with no explanation of how they could repair the confidence of the houseparents. They weren’t given satisfactory encouragement when they demonstrated the type of behavior that would lead to their redemption. As a result, kids that already had little hope of being well thought of would despair quickly. I believe that a clear visible path to redemption with help and encouragement along the way is the only thing that will bring hope and results. In my opinion, duplication of punishment by houseparents just destroys credibility for the other houseparents.
I’ve seen what happens when kids have to make changeover under those circumstances…..after being full of life and joy, …..about an hour before the changeover, ….they would all go quietly into the living room and sit down and become silent. As you would go in to bid them goodbye, they would be as stiff as a board and not even respond. How could you not have compassion for them.
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JonNDeb
At times we hate to get off. we only ask to have off one weekend out of the month. As we like to stay on duty. and in our home. as that is what it is and every time we leave it is like leaving our home, bed, stuff… etc. The Kids will always try to play the houseparents for the weekend. Getting away with anything and everything. We have just gotten a family who fills in when we are away once a month we have started to trust and enjoy and fill better with leaving and knowing that the house will not be burned down when we get back. We still have a few days when we get back getting the kids back on track but things are getting better.
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missy
Sometimes I wish I had not even taken off because it takes DAYS to get the house back to “normal”. Please pray for our new respite; there fruit isn’t producing a good crop.
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Karing4Kids
It’s pretty much a given fact that it’s going to happen. Sometimes the kids do things just to see how we react. Usually after a couple of days things return to normal and then you can start worrying about the next time your going to be off. I’ve worked with good relief and also with the bad. I’ve found that if you try not to make too big of a deal out of it the kids seem to do better. Try to find something good that the relief did and praise them for that. Don’t let the kids know your feelings or they will play them like a cheap banjo! Hang in there and try enjoy your time off. If you’re worrying while you’re gone then you’re not really getting the rest that you need.
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missy
It really isn’t the kids, it’s the house. Everything is moved, including our stuff on the computer being deleted. Our ministry only allows Christian music, which our boys love & our respite is listening to 80′s heavy metal & even told our kids that’s what we had the radio on but, they knew better. 30 minutes after we leave the petty cash is spent on food that they, not the kids, like. They also live close by & I don’t think they even go to church. They have stated they would never be full time houseparents but are respite for 2 homes with 12 + days off a month. Please pray for all of us.
Sunday Cottage Routine
September 20, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
TexPop
Today is Sunday and it’s been a good day. God is good. I got to wondering what routines other places have on Sundays. I’ll describe ours first:
I get up early and have a little quiet time then some more casual reading. After about an hour one of our 8 boys usually gets up and comes into the living room for some early morning chatter. Around 8:00 my wife gets up and we begin breakfast. At 8:30 I wake the rest of the boys up for breakfast and we then get ready for Sunday School which begins at 9:45. Afterwards, we meet up with the boys in the church sanctuary in a pre-selected area and sit together for the worship service.
After lunch at the cottage the boys go their separate ways in various groups for touch football outside, bike riding, or even naps. All in all they are a good group of guys. At 5:30 I call them in to get cleaned up for our on-campus chapel service from 5:00 to 6:00. After chapel, we walk back to the cottage for dinner and evening chores. They then might watch a little TV if their grades allow it, or a few of them may get together for board games or cards. In-Room time/showers and lights-out begin at 8:30pm for the youngest and all are finally down and out by 10:00pm.
Yes – I left out the occasional wrestling match that got out of hand, the kid that got upset because he thought something at football was unfair, the kid that had to be rounded up for chores, etc. But that’s all normal stuff. My wife and I are able to enjoy our evening together after all is quiet. We work as Relief Houseparents so when we move to other cottages the kids aren’t always this compliant, but the routine is basically the same. -TexPop
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webmaster
Our Sunday routine is this:
I wake up at 7:00 AM – shower and start breakfast.
My wife wakes up at 7:40 – showers and wakes up children
We eat breakfast around 8:00 am and leave for Sunday School at 9:00 am
Return from Church at about Noon.
We will either eat Lunch in the Dining Hall at 12:30 if they are serving or I will serve something that has been cooking in the oven or crock pot while we were at Church.
The afternoon is pretty much spent with the children playing or watching the NASCAR race with me, except during the months of December and January, when we watch football.
My wife and the older kids leave for Kids Church and Youth Group at about 5:15 pm and I stay with the preschooler’s. They eat at Church so I only have to feed the little ones.
She returns at about 7:15 and everyone gets ready for bed with the little ones in bed by 8:00. The rest of us watch TV (Cold Case, Sunday Night Football, etc.) or work on next week’s Sunday School lessons. Both my wife and I teach Sunday School. All are in bed by 10:00 and then my wife and I get about 30 minutes of alone time, before we go to sleep.
That’s about it.
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TexPop
I assume you have a house of boys? What are the age ranges?
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webmaster
We actually have a co-ed cottage with 7 home children. The youngest is 4 and the oldest is 11. We also have a birth daughter that is 13 and a birth son that is 16.
I can’t wait until the home children get older, I have had enough little kids to last a lifetime.
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TexPop
I realized there are people reading these posts that are interested in becoming houseparents and might be interested in what to expect in a typical day. I would have loved to have known these little things before I started.
My wife and I are about to take over a cottage of little boys – eight of them from 5yrs to 11. We’re excited about the change from the High Schoolers we’ve had for the last 8 months. I know it’ll be more physically demanding, but we’re ready to be out of the older girl’s constant “drama” for a while
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bakergirl
Y’alls Sunday routine comes close to what the houseparents we met said. We got to meet and interact with several homes when we interviewed. We are looking at a job with 6 boys age 10-18. Could anyone give me the – and + of this group? We’ve felt called to boys so it seemed right. We were very impressed with the atmosphere of the homes. The kids were typically naughty but not downright aggressive or threatening. We are told the boys we would have are basic care. In tx that means the kids can’t have had trouble with the law, right? Thanks for this post, it was enlightening.
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Launchpad
Our routine is really laid back on Sundays. Our church is only about 5 minutes away so we get to sleep in until 9am. Breakfast at 9:20 and Sunday school at 10am.
We usually start the Crock pot the night before so lunch is ready when we come back from church.
Most Sundays we go for a hike or fish for a few hours at a lake on campus. Then we head back to church at 6:00pm.
We are watching CSI by 8pm. Bed at 9.
Normally the kids with no privs will set at the table and read on Sundays while the rest of the group goes and has fun.
Other Houseparents
September 20, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
bakergirl
I think I have finally come to understand what our moderator was talking about when I first began to haunt this sight. He mentioned that it seems like hps within the same agency have a hard time being friends. There is only one other hp couple where we work and frankly, they seem perfect. I feel like we will never measure up to them. I know they have been doing this a long time but it feels so frustrating, especially since we are their relief. At first, I believed them and our director that it would take time for the kids to treat us the way they treat them but its been months.
It’s just that I constantly feel tired and stressed out while on duty and they just don’t! I sleep the first half of our time off just to recoup. I can see why relief get burned out so easily. I feel lucky that they have been so good to us, they share their stuff and are not critical or territorial but strangely, that just makes me feel less competent (in other words how will I be that unselfish with our relief in the future). We are STILL waiting to get our home set up. Its been months since we should have had our own kids yet here we sit. Maybe it will be better once we feel settled in.
Anyway, is anyone else relief out there?
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webmaster
My wife and I did relief for a year and it is the hardest job there is. I am so thankful for people that can do it, because I am one that can’t.
My advice to you about your feelings of inferiority is “don’t try to compare yourself to others” just be the best houseparents you can be. As far as building relationships with the children, being relief staff doesn’t help things and when you are only there part of the time it could take much longer than if you were primary houseparents.
Also when you compare yourself to longtime experienced houseparents think about how long they have been doing it, and how many personal meltdowns you haven’t seen over the years. I have been a houseparent for over 10 years and many days question my ability, however others have shared differing opinions, and even consider me competent.
As far as stress goes, I have learned that we can alleviate a good portion of it just by lightening up a little, we don’t always have to be so serious.
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glidenhi
We were relief for almost four years. The more you can observe the regular houseparents in operation the better you will know how to operate and know what works with each kid. I hope you had the opportunity to do this before you had them on your own….if not…go with them on outings…even if it is on your own time. Also….make sure that you aren’t more rigorous with the rules than the regular houseparents are. …otherwise ….you are going to take the heat.
Take the time to watch and encourage the kids as they play…..even play with them…and help them to find things to do that are fun. It is amazing how much kids love an audience…they love to show off their skills.
If you see that a kid does something over and over that really annoys another kid, help them both with it….talk with each one. Usually…no kid wants to be offensive…so establish signals that you can use to warn the offending kid….when the other kid sees that you are working with it…it gives them hope and there is less chance of murder. Notwithstanding, you have to have an understanding with the kid that is being annoyed that you will not tolerate fighting or cruel language….and they need to warn the offender…..and if all else fails…..come to you when they are being annoyed.
By the way…..we never left the home that our first two days at home weren’t spent sleeping in front of the TV set on the sofa. After all…..it is eight teenagers and subteens who are smart, active and creative….and a lot of their experience with adults is often one of inconsistency and imbalance and injustice.
There will be times when each one of the kids honestly seeks your help. Watch for it, and give it to them……and give them a hug. When you see a special aspect of their character that stands out…..tell them about it……encourage them. Give them a nickname that’s just between you and them. If they need courage, tell them that you believe in them. When you have a really bad day….tell them….”I’d rather be with you when we’re having a bad day than not be with you at all.”….and mean it.
Leave your bedroom door open at night so you can hear when a kid is having breathing problems or when they are crying…and go to them and give them relief. It may be the first time anyone ever did.
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Launchpad
I had a supervisor that had been a houseparent for eight years prior to me taking his position in his house and him becoming my supervisor. The problem was I constantly felt I needed to copy my style after him. Him and his wife were more or less legends on the ranch, had been extremely successful in handling all of the residents PLUS three of their own kids. It drove me insane they were so good.
I still hold him and his wife in the highest regard for the ministry they did and continue to do now. But I have matured to the point I realize that everyone has their own style. Are they better HP’s than my wife and I? I guarantee it. They can out HP us any day of the week. They have also been doing this for, like, ten years. My wife and I are pushing four years.
My problem was I compared myself to another couple with years more of experience. While it’s good to look to those couples and learn from them and strive for the qualities you admire in them, it is insane to compare your success to theirs. I wasn’t there to see all the storms they weathered and the many, many, many mistakes they made to become the great HP’s they are now. The unfortunate thing is if it wasn’t for my fear of measuring up to them, I may have learned much more from them and furthered my skills as an effective HP. But you know what they say about hind sight…
Get a good relationship going with the couple you are talking about if possible. You may be surprised they are not rockin as steady as you think. They may just be able to weather the abuse a little better in their old age
As for relief work- You guys are the hardest working people in the child care field. Most HP’s take for granted the nomadic lifestyle you live. It is always harder to find a good relief couple than a primary HP couple. I will also tell you the best HP’s come out of the relief ranks, they have proven they can take it and come back for more. You are a rising star!
GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!
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bakergirl
Thanks guys! I can’t tell you how much your replies helped. Its relatively easy to remember that our experience vs. their experience can’t compare but when you are in the thick of it-its tough. Especially when your director is only used to them for the last few years (its been the only home our director has over seen). It makes us a little jumpy bc we think our dir expects us to be that good.
Thank y’all so much for the encouragement!!!
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TexPop
Bakergirl,
Just remember, Gods is preparing you for the children he wants YOU to take care of. You “training” and experience will be perfect for what he has in mind! Try not to compare yourself to other HP’s, but rather learn what methods and practices work for you and what doesn’t. the Relief position puts you in a great position to do that. My wife and I worked relief our first year too.
In the public
September 20, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
sonshine_mom
I just wanted to know if anyone else deals with their kids in the public, i.e., schools, etc.
Our program is more of a foster home-type setting. These kids go to public school (not a very good public school), are able to go to friend’s houses and spend the night, able to go on outings by themselves, etc. They have A LOT of freedoms. This proves very difficult in keeping outside influences from filtering in. Each day it seems like we have to remind them of their language and their attitude. Each day we argue with them about the privileges “regular” families have (like cell phones, etc.). It is a battle.
One of our kids absolutely does not want to be in this program so he is protesting by not eating anything in the home. He does not eat lunch at school and then does not eat breakfast and maybe only eats a few bites for supper because he does not want ANYTHING from our program. He protests about not being able to have his own money to carry around on him or have cell phones; definitely feels entitlement and thinks he’s better than the others in the program. I feel he needs humbled pretty bad–LOL. The other kids in the home do not like him because of his behaviors toward the houseparents and to peers. He has a bad choice of friends at school and brings home this bad attitude. He is 16 so, you know, he thinks he should have all the freedoms of an adult! LOL. It’s just so frustrating as a houseparent to have this many outside influences.
We will be dropping the bomb to him tonight and his privileges probably over the next week will be null due to his behavior. He does not want to sign forms to be in the program (which require his signature) AND last night we caught him throwing out clothes that our facility bought him (luckily we dug them out of the trash and saved them). Like I said, it will be like jail for him over the next week due to his behavior.
Do you guys have any similar problems?
Thx!
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webmaster
We work in a residential foster care home and the children we have the most difficulty getting adapted to living in our home are the ones that come when they are older. For the majority of the older kids they have had little or no supervision prior to coming to live with us and find it very difficult adapting to the structure. On top of that they attract to the very same kind of kids at school, so they believe that all kids are just allowed to do whatever they please, to go where they wish, anytime they wish.
They don’t understand that in normal families, there is structure and boundaries, and have a hard time adapting to it. What makes it easier, is having a good sponsor program, where they can spend time with families in the community that are stable so they can see there are families that have structure and boundaries.
My personal feelings are that facilities that are more foster care than they are therapeutic need to make provisions for the kids to be able to earn money, be able to carry money, and use their money even on things like cell phones. In our facility all our older kids are allowed to have money, and once they are in high school can get prepaid cell phones provided they are responsible with them. I think foster care facilities need to provide for the normal things of life as much as possible to include things like Internet access, phones, outings, dates, school sports, etc.
As for your 16 year old, be patient. I think I would use some serious restrictions like you describe. He will eventually get hungry enough to eat, and will run out of other things to wear and start to settle in, or do something bad enough to be sent home or somewhere else or possibly run away, which result in the same thing. Either way it will get easier.
Resident Relationships: Same Sex Dating at Facility
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
Launchpad
Ok… I never have really had to deal head on with this one until a recent conversation with a co-worker.
How have you in the past dealt with same sex relationships with the teens?
If you have not dealt with this before, how would you?
If the facility supports the relationship the same as a hetero relationship how would you deal/ feel with the situation.
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rachel
I know that it has been an issue at our facility in the past. Lucky for me, all we are having to deal with currently is keeping the boys and girls apart -and that’s hard enough!! You bring up a really good question. How would we handle it if two of our girls were after each other? They sleep in the same bedroom for crying out loud! I guess we would just have to discharge one or both of them. It would be impossible to keep them apart, and there is no way I could stand for that sort of activity going on in my house. But then again I am a new houseparent, maybe this is just my inexperience talking. However, I do know one thing for sure – I pray that I will never have to deal with this sort of situation!!!
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webmaster
I have seen this happen at two separate facilities I have worked at, one with girls the other with boys. In the first instance, the housemom in a girls cottage caught two girls in bed together naked. They claimed they were just sleeping, but it was obvious there was much more to it. They were both dropped to the lowest level without any privileges for several weeks. Both girls eventually left the program and when I last heard they were both involved in heterosexual relationships.
The second instance the houseparent caught two boys in a homosexual act. It was determined that one of the boys was a sexual predator, even though he was the smaller of the two. He was isolated from the remainder of the boys in a room that had an alarm system installed, so if he left his room at night the houseparents were alerted. A few weeks later he was sent to a residential treatment program for almost a year and returned to a separate facility. I think he was 14, the other boy was 15 at the time. The other boy was considered a victim and received no consequences that I know of. I personally think things were much more mutual, but it wasn’t in my cottage and I didn’t have a whole lot of say. I guess I also didn’t have all the facts, so what can I say.
I personally think no sexual encounter with youth should be condoned or allowed, whether they be same sex or opposite sex, there are just too many bad consequences that could happen.
I also don’t think same sex encounters with youth are as tragic as some may think they are. Fact is, most youth are a raging mess of hormones that express themselves in very strange ways. Even if youth try something while in placement, it doesn’t mean that’s who they will be as adults. In most cases, just giving consequences for whatever rule they broke is enough to deal with the situation.
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glidenhi
I agree with the webmaster…..most sexual encounters at this age are experimentation. I believe that we have to make sure that the kids have opportunities for normal social relationships with the opposite sex under guidance….otherwise….they are going to get desperate and try something. I have seen houseparents so afraid of the worst and too lazy to provide a normal social life, and the result was opposite or same sex experimentation. When kids feel hopeless they get desperate. When they do something wrong they need a clear path to redemption or they will find a path to perversion.
Names How Are You Addressed
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
foshgirl
How do your kids address you? If you’ve been called different things at various facilities, what has seemed to be most comfortable for the kids and to you? ie. by first name, Mr/Mrs. So-and-so, etc. I think it must be a fine line between comfort and familiarity and respect. Any insight on this would be appreciated. Also, did you choose, or did your facility inform you?
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Launchpad
All the facilities we have been at have left it open for us. We prefer Mr. or Mrs. And first name.
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momofmany
Ours calls us Mr. and Mrs. with first name attached. It is/was our choice. With our biological children still home, I did not think it was fair to them (this is our first job as houseparents) to let others call us mom or dad. This may change over time.
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foshgirl
Wow…I had completely forgotten that was the new trend (“new” according to my parents) in the States. Which is weird because the kids at my old Child Care facility called me that.
The only thing I had been able to come up with was from my childhood in South Africa. There you call everyone “Auntie so-and-so” or “Uncle so-and-so”. Although the shortened it with my mom and just called her Auntie B. Pretty much anyone who is not like a teacher, or stranger, or not actually related to you. Like, at church I called everyone more than 10 years older than me Auntie and Uncle. Even my parents would call the people older than them Auntie and Uncle. It was just polite.
I’ve stopped since living in the states, but people I met in the USA during visits in my childhood are still Uncle and Auntie to me. You can usually tell when in my life I met a person based on that. Sometimes I find myself at a loss about common practices because my own childhood doesn’t apply.
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webmaster
We have worked in a long term residential foster care home for the last 8 years. We have been in our current cottage for 5 years this month, minus a 9 month sabbatical. Some of the children in our cottage have been with us since before they were 2 years old; don’t even remember their birth parents. Additionally, they will probably be with us until they graduate from school. We are the only parents they know, and those children call us mom and dad.
We have a girl that we claim as a daughter that we raised since she was fourteen. She calls us Mr. Mike or Ms Marje. When she refers to us to other she says, “This is my mom and Dad”
We have some children that are more comfortable calling us Mr. Mike or Ms Marje and we are OK with that.
At the home we worked at in Wyoming the just called us by our first names. Things are much less formal in the western culture and it is totally acceptable to address adults by their first name. Additionally, the children we worked with there were in placement short term. The longest we had in placement when we were there was 22 months. We were encouraged not to allow any of the children address us as mom and dad.
At the home we worked at in Texas the children were not allowed to call us Mom or Dad. They all called us Mr. Mike or Ms Marje.
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Launchpad
I use to correct kids that tried going the “Mom and Dad” route. My supervisor helped me see the other side of the issue. I use to believe that a kid would have serious transitional issues if they moved and saw me as Dad.
Now I see a kid that does that needs to call someone Dad. I really respect any HP that will allow them to do that. My supervisor helped me to see that a kid will have transitional issues no matter what they call you. It’s the relationship itself that is important. (Thanks Craig!)
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TexPop
At our facility here in Texas our “titles” are “Mom” and “Pop” followed by last names for specificity if there is more than one of us present. I’ve had kids tell me that they are a little uncomfortable with the Mom title at first, but none have ever seemed to have a problem with “Pop”. In fact, sometimes they will slip and call me Dad….I love it when that happens.
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rachel
I love that mom and pop followed by your name idea – very cute! We go by Mr. Billy and Ms. Rachel (chosen by facility). Some kids choose to call us mom and dad, and that’s fine with us!
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Housepop
Our present facility prefers that my wife and I are called Mom and Pop and if in a group of other houseparents our last name is added. We work with middle school age girls and it is harder for them to get used to calling my wife mom then calling me pop but they get used to in no time. At our previous home it was Mr. and Ms and then our first names which for me was harder to get used to. The first children’s home we worked in was less formal and our first names were used. For me I guess I like Pop the best but we do teach the girls the we have first names and my wife and I don’t address each other as mom and pop. It is easier for them to see us as real people if they understand we have real names too. The only thing I don’t like about being called pop is when administrative staff call me pop instead of by my name as if I have no identity beyond my job title.
Do you let kids drive your car?
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
webmaster
This question is mostly directed toward those that work in long term facilities. The facility that I work at can be the home of children from the time they are young until they finish college. The policy is that they can get their learner’s permit when the reach 15 and they can renew it until they are 18. As long as they don’t have a driver’s license they can drive one of the designated training cars with an adult. Once they get their license they are no longer allowed to drive because our facility’s insurance won’t cover them. Once they turn 18 and can purchase their own insurance, we (the facility) will help them get a car.
However, many of the kids get their license at 16 because some go home on visits and family members let them drive or they have sponsors that let them drive. I know some houseparents that will let the children drive their personal vehicles. This is something that I have never done, 1) because I am somewhat of a stickler for following policy and 2) I am terrified of my insurance company.
My vehicles are not insured to use for work and I think that allowing a home child to drive it while I am on duty would constitute using it for work. Frankly, I don’t make near enough money to take on that liability. I was wondering what others thought. Have you ever allowed a child in your care to drive your personal vehicle. Either way, why?
Launchpad
The older teen cottages here are allowed to drive a HP’s car if the HP is with them and they have shown enough responsibility to drive and meet all the local licensing laws.
I have let some of the boys I have worked with at other facilities drive my vehicle, but only on the ranch in an open field with nothing to hit but cow patties. Even then I was real nervous.
I agree with you on not making enough to assume the liability. One bad accident and my family don’t eat, and we like to eat.
Cigarettes Need some suggestions
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
Launchpad
Here’s the deal. I have a kid who has been out foxing me on hiding contraband. He smokes and dips when he gets the chance (mostly at school, I think), and is very, very good at hiding his habit. Most of the time he gets caught at school smoking. Other times we catch other kids and their response is usually they get their stash from him.
I am certain he has a stash very close to the house. His room belongings and person are searched daily at varying times. My wife and I have discussed several Black ops type of scenarios to find his little treasure trove. We know he is smoking at school and at certain times when he manages to disappear for a few minutes around the house, usually while me and my wife are dealing with another kid. He is constantly on restriction and has no access to his allowance, yet he seems to be getting supplied from somewhere at school.
The main thing perplexing me is we never smell smoke on him. Not on his fingers or clothes. Being a former chain smoker in my mis-spent youth I have found this a very difficult thing to accomplish smoking without the smell of cigarettes on your clothing. This kid is good.
What is he using to cover the smell? Any idea how I can put a crimp in his black market activities. He obviously has no desire to change. I do hope to find a way he will not drag some of the other boys down his road. Any suggestions?
webmaster
Favorite outdoor hiding places I have seen are:
- Inside the van
- In the mail box
- Under a board or cinder block in the yard
- In the eaves of an outbuilding
Favorite on person hiding places I have seen is:
- In their socks
- Hollowed out soles in shoes(under the insoles)
- In their underwear
- Pens with insides removed
The sneakiest kids I have known always hide their stash in public places, sometimes right under your nose. Check in the crevices deep inside the couch or a chair. In seldom used cabinets or end tables. We had a boy that hid his cigarettes in a little curio cabinet we had on the wall by the front door. He hid them there for over a year before we discovered them.
If he doesn’t have smoke on his fingers, he is using some sort of holder like a clip or tubing. It is probably hidden with his stash.
It sounds like individual consequences are NOT a big deal with him, so you may try group consequences. Even those that aren’t smoking with him, probably know where his stash is. Some group consequence like cancelling fun activities out of a lack of trust for the group, might encourage others to at least, in confidence, give up his stash and there will be a few less cigarettes in the world.
Always check with your administration before using group consequences and if they don’t produce results fairly quickly stop using them. You don’t want to create a situation that could result in the boy being abused by the other boys.
You also may have to accept that he may never change. He will either get good enough at hiding or abstaining to complete the program, will blow out of the placement, or forever live with the consequences of smoking and getting caught.
Just try to always be fair and to build a relationship with him, it may have a bigger effect than anything else.
Launchpad
Thank you! I never even considered some of those hiding places (Pen, shoes). My wife and I did a search and came up with nothing. We then decided to go with the group consequence. We sat the boys down and explained if one of them was caught or suspected of smoking or any other tobacco use, all of them would earn a workday for every incident.
Twenty minutes later I had three lighters, 4 cigarettes and an empty can of snuff. Every kid except for the one I have been dealing with gave up all locations of known or suspected hiding places and are watching the other boy like a hawk. Of course the other boy is spitting mad. Nothing beats peer encouragement.
Awesome suggestions! It has already made a difference in the house over the last few days.
Thanks again!
Borrowing
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
TexPop
My wife and I are trying to get a better control on the kids borrowing stuff from each other. We’re talking toys and electronics mostly as we have young boys in the cottage. We generally don’t have a problem with borrowing if they’ve received permission from the owner – we have been also been requiring that they get our permission. The problem is that we don’t want to have to give our permission for every little matchbox car they happen to swap for an hour – they’re not going to remember to do it anyway.
Any ideas?
Launchpad
We have had the boys do contracts in the past. Lately we have had a no trading, borrowing, lending policy in place. Mainly because we were being overwhelmed with all the contracts and back room deals the kids were making. It was like watching stockbrokers work the boards on Wall Street.
webmaster
We also have young children (ages 4-11), our policy is that borrowing is not allowed period!!! If they are playing together they can share toys and stuff, but the child that owns the toys must be present when they (the toys) are being played with. And because all our children know that borrowing is not allowed, the child playing with the other persons toys will receive the consequences, and if we know that the other child loaned it willingly we will take it up for a period of time.
We have never allowed sharing clothes regardless of the age; it just caused too many hassles.
We have found that loaning and borrowing is just too hard to police. If a child has something that belongs to somebody else it is impossible to tell who is telling the truth when one says, “he loaned it to me” and the other say, “I did not, he took it”
TexPop
Thanks WM, I think we’ll be trying your method. -TexPop
Contests with Rewards
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
CaringCouple
We’ve run some short term contests awarding something extra for clean rooms or doing extra chores… things outside the normal program point system.
Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on competitive type events within houses/cottages that can be used to provide additional rewards?
webmaster
The Coffee Can Program was something I developed at our first facility, it was a program we used to improve motivation in our behavioral program, and this is how it worked:
We had two cans, a large can and a small can. In each can were different coupons, for such things as 10 daily bonus points, a no chore day, extra 20 minute phone call to family, one-time one-hour later bedtime, choose your favorite meal (of course this was in reason-no steak and lobster) and the favorite was “winners choice” The winner’s choice coupon was like a wild card, it could be used as any coupon. You could easily adapt the coupons to your situation and program.
The youth with the highest average weekly score, would be able to draw, without looking, one coupon from that large can, which by the way, had the best coupons. The youth with the highest score for one day, would be able to draw a coupon from the small can. The youth were allowed to save their coupons: there were no expiration dates on the coupons, so they could use them when ever. 10 bonus points were pretty handy to have on a bad day, or an extra 20 minute phone call on a mother’s birthday, etc. However, the youth were not allowed to give their coupons to other youth; if you wanted a coupon you had to earn it. We wrote their names and dates won on the backs of the coupons, so we knew who they belonged to.
The kids in our house loved this program and it helped several kids, do better, and get the jump start they needed, to work their way through the program. However, before you start a similar program, check with your administrator. When we started ours, we had to change a few of the coupons, because the director, wouldn’t allow them. Checking with him first, saved me from having a big problem later.
Tuxedo
We found a great way to show awareness of the home. We have used this at two facilities. We get all the kids together and take a tour, no comments from them, they are the visitors and benefactors looking at the way their donations have been used and are kept up. It really makes them think and I have found this to be a great motivator to instill pride in the home, looking through someone else’s eyes.
Cottage Rules, Some Suggestions
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
webmaster
I remember a post in the old forum about somebody wanting suggestions on cottage rules. Here is a list of rules we have posted in our current cottage. I used them with of a Racing Themed Behavioral Chart I developed (that I hope to be writing an article about soon and posting on the main website). They are specific to our cottage (we are a basic care facility that cares for children from infancy through college) and may not work in any other situation. I am posting them simply as a starting point for somebody trying to come up with their own rules.
Cottage Rules
? Pick up your stuff!!! Do not leave toys, shoes, clothes, your purse, etc anywhere but in your room.
? Rooms must be clean & beds made before leaving for school or other activity.
? Middle & High School kids must use their alarm clocks to awake in the morning
? NO Eating in Bedroom, TV Room, or Living Room!!!! Exceptions may be made by the houseparent for special occasions in the TV Room, like movie night, parties, etc.
? Clear & Rinse your dishes at meal & snack time.
? If you use something – put it back. If you make a mess – clean it up.
? Follow as a minimum the 10 Commandments. Follow the other 625 commandments as needed.
? Personal phone calls will be limited to 30 minutes a day.
? Respect each other & their property.
? No eating or drinking on the van without permission from staff.
? Bedtimes – School Nights
o 2nd Grade & Less – 8:00 PM
o 3rd-5th Grade – 9:00 PM
o 6th and Up – 10:00 PM
? Bedtimes – Friday Night
o 2nd Grade & Less – 10:00 PM
o 3rd-5th Grade – 11:00 PM
o 6th and Up – 12:00 PM
? Bedtimes – Saturday Night
o 2nd Grade & Less – 9:00 PM
o 3rd-5th Grade – 10:00 PM
o 6th and Up – 11:00 PM
? What Bedtime Means
o Bedtime for 5th grade or less means in bed & lights out.
o Bedtime for 6th grade and up means in the room and quite with no one else in the room. However, not getting up the following morning will result in an early bedtime that night.
? Do your laundry on your laundry day. You may start your laundry at 4:00 PM and it must be out by bedtime.
? Live by these few simple rules and life will be more pleasant for everyone around here!!!!
momof10
Wow! Those are late bedtimes!
webmaster
Like I said these rules are specific to our situation. But, the key with the later bedtimes is the responsibility of the youth. If they can’t get up in the morning on THEIR OWN they don’t have the later bedtime.
As far as Friday Night Late Night, with all the stuff that we usually have to do with PR events and stuff, we wouldn’t get to bed very early anyway most weekends so we have just made it a fun and late night. Additionally, I would rather have my alone time in the morning anyway, and let the children sleep when I can. And finally, if we have something early Saturday or Sunday morning we have to be at, we adjust our bedtimes accordingly.
gracecountry62
Well put Mike, Bed times about the way we did them in the past. Your right depends on the House.
catch
Wow those are late bedtimes. At my last placement bedtime was 7:30 on weeknights for 10 and under but we do get up at 5 am in the morning.
Where I am now bedtime is nine o’clock for all the kids who aren’t at work, they can read in their room or whatever as long as they are quiet but they must be in their rooms. but then again we do shift work and all the kids should be close to being asleep by 11 otherwise our night staff would be out of ratio
webmaster
Our little kids do not leave for school until 7:30 AM so we don’t have to wake them up until 6:00 AM.
In the first home we worked at, bedtimes were very different. It was a therapeutic group home that had a level system with a focus on Behavior Modification. Your bedtime was based upon your level and the lowest level went to bed at 8:00 PM whether they were 13 or 17 (we had no youth under 13). The highest level went to bed at 9:30 PM. At that home bedtime meant: in-bed and lights out at your bedtime. If you were one minute late you would lose points on your daily score.
However that is a very different situation compared to the basic residential foster care situation we are now in
The TRASH Our Kids Listen To, Trashy Music
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
HP2005
Has anyone ever told our “therapists” that there is more to problems kids face than the so called “abuse” they have been through. I have seen to many therapists focus to much on so called abuse that some kids have faced, and not enough attention on what they listen to. I am a houseparent going on 4 years now, and recently I picked up some CD’s that our kids have here at the home. Inside the CD’s was the insert that had the words to all the songs on the CD. I was utterly floored at some of the words, phrases, trash and garbage that are on these CD’s that our kids pump in their minds all the time by these portable CD players they carry around all the time listening to this garbage. MOST of the songs on the CD’s dealt with sex, demons, suicide, rape, killing, hate and violence. BUT, when you mention this to the therapists, they act like its no big deal. COME ON people, the human brain is like a computer, what you put in is what comes out. Like the Bible plainly says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he”. If our kids are pumping this trash in their minds all the time, maybe we need to not be so focused on the fact that “Little Johnnie or Susie” has been abused, but focus more attention on what “Little Johnnie or Susie” is pumping into their minds 24/7. NO WONDER our kids are so full of anger, violence, sexually active and troubled. Let’s pay more attention to what they are LISTENING to and WATCHING on TV……trash in…..trash out!!!
IF…you have any thoughts on this, please post them here.
raider72
I AGREE 100%!! MEDIA IS A VERY POWERFUL & OVERLOOKED FORCE IN OUR YOUTH CULTURE. OUR SOCIETY IN GENERAL IS IN DEEP DECEPTION OF THE IMPACTING POWER OF MUSIC, VIDEO, & NOW INTERNET. SCARY HOW MUCH IT HAS PROGRESSED IN THE LAST 20 YRS WITHOUT MUCH NOTICE.
webmaster
Although I am a firm believer in the “Garbage in – Garbage Out” Principle and we are very vigilante (and are fortunate that we are allowed to be) to limit the type of entertainment that our children (Birth and Home) are exposed to.
However, I don’t believe that the root of the problem can be traced to inappropriate music and movies. The entire culture that these children come from affects every aspect of the child’s behavior. And it is a DIFFERENT Culture in most cases. I don’t mean an ethnic culture, many times it is a culture based on drug abuse, or poverty, crime, etc.
momof10
I am also appalled at the amount of trash these kids listen to. Funny though because I listened to some 80′s music the other day and I couldn’t believe the message that was sent through songs I thought were pretty tame. I came out ok I think.
Are you able to watch what things come in your cottage? I know at our home, the kids know they aren’t allowed to listen to any CD that has the parental advisory on it. If they do have something, it is taken from them and they are given consequences. Also, if they are listening to it in the cottage or van where others can hear, they earn consequences for any bad words that come out of the radio. When consistent, the kids are quick to jump and change the station to something more appropriate. Walmart has CD’s of the popular singers/rappers with the bad words edited out – I don’t think (and I could be wrong) that they sell any parental advisory CD’s at all. Hope this helps!
Lady Incredible
Where I work the kids aren’t allowed any cd’s or tapes at all and they are not allowed to watch any music channels either.
catch
Even if you buy the cds at Walmart what difference does it make its not like the kids dont know what real words go in place of the edited words.
Personally I don’t care what movies my teenagers watch as long as they’re not rated R PG -13 and less, as far as music goes they can’t listen to parentally advised cds but I don’t care what radio station they have on their walkmans, they have been listening and watching stuff for years already and only letting them watch G movies isn’t going to make a difference in their treatment.
I have 8 girls between 12 – 18 all higher levels of care and they all behave pretty well, I have about 1 restraint every six months or so and most of he older kids have jobs and they all pass in school yet when I worked at a facility where they could only watch g or pg movies and could barely have any CDs those kids were in restraints a couple of times a week hardly any of them had jobs and a lot of them were failing in school so I don’t think what they listen to or watch makes a difference either way.
sandylegsntoes
I agree that music can build up or tear down a kid’s spirit. All one has to do is watch how they act out after listening to certain music. In the place I work there are rules against raunchy, lewd music. But the kids still have it. One day I was in one of the girls bedroom. I looked down and saw a homemade cd that had written on it , “F@@k da police..” I confiscated this cd but another girl found it and returned it to the owner. I informed the hp about the content of the cd and they just sighed and said, “OH! These teens and their music!”
CaringCouple
QUOTE
“I worked at a facility where they could only watch g or pg movies and could barely have any CDs those kids were in restraints a couple of times a week hardly any of them had jobs and a lot of them were failing in school so I don’t think what they listen to or watch makes a difference either way.”
That statement alone would give me ca
use to wonder if “Control” was not an issue and problem of the staff and not so much the result of children’s behavior. I agree that the music has less effect on the kids and more on us.
Having worked for 2 years in a Level 12 facility in California that was totally “Hands Off” with some very tough kids I simply don’t believe in the need for “restraints” at all.
There are better ways.
But if you are into controlling too many things that are really out of your control how can you effect any positive change in the youth?
Although I prefer Neal Diamond and good Country music, the music youth prefer is reflective of the environment they are growing up in and the most you can hope for is take the energy they are looking to channel through the music and focus it in other areas.
Try sitting down and listing to some of their music with them and questioning them on what it means to them. A lot of times they are only listening to it because “everyone else does” and have no concepts for the words or meanings in the words. I’ve seen kids start to question themselves after really stopping to think about the words and message.
Unless you are on a closed campus with a private school this is a battle that requires far too much energy for little effective outcome.
catch
To add to the comment I wrote before regarding music, I think worrying too much about the cds and movies our kids are watching and listening to is nit picking.
All kids both abused and not abused listen to all kinds of music with inappropriate language by the time a kid is nine or ten most kids are familiar with every bad word or phrase there is regardless of how or where they grow up even if you think they aren’t.
The words they listen to may seem shocking to some of you but it’s the way the kids talk. They are listening to language they know and things they feel. Don’t nitpick with them just because they enjoy something a lot of the older generation houseparents don’t understand. Listening to cds that have the F word in them is hopefully the worst thing most of these kids ever do.
And someone earlier said you should see the way some of these kids act after listening to their music well you should pay more attention to the way they act after coming back from their therapists.
Nit picking about CD’S and movies is like the cop on a power trip who goes after some kids loitering on a corner or soaping up car windows instead of worrying about the guy down the street who’s robbing someone’s house.
These kids have such little control over their lives at the moment. don’t look to take away some of the few things they can enjoy. They need to be learning to make their own choices now not when their 18 and on their own. Maybe leaving care when they can stay in just so they can listen to a stupid CD or watch a freaking movie.
prsthelrd
I do not think it is a matter of control so much as what is the issue you are dealing with. We have groups with such diversity of problems. I do not always think it is the rating so much as the content. I do however for the sake of group peace have to set guidelines and some things are just not accepted for public hearing or viewing
GA Sheriffs’ Youth Homes
We have the same issues with music on our campus. We do encourage the boys to appreciate all types of music. Several of the boys have asked for guitars at Christmas time. They are forming their own band on campus. They have kept it clean
Runaways
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
Lady Incredible
I was just wondering if any of you have to deal with your residents running away from your facility and what your procedures/guidelines are.
prsthelrd
We have had kids run away
The home reports it to the law enforcement
And then looks for them, at this point it becomes a case by case issue
Lady Incredible
Are you allowed to try and stop them?
prsthelrd
If you mean a physical intervention, not necessarily.
I think age is also a factor
At another place I worked if you knew that and could back it up that the child was at risk to being a danger to themselves (suicide, self mutilation) you could use a physical intervention. Otherwise we were just to report it to our supervisor who in turn reported it to the police
webmaster
I currently work in residential foster care and we have a runaway about one a year or two. The first home I worked at we had at least one or two a month. One time we had over 2/3′s of both houses runaway over a 4 day period.
In my experience most runs are un-preventable. They are usually very impulsive and when they are not, almost always occur at school, home visit or some other activity where they are not under direct staff supervision. I would say that 75% of all run-a-ways I have been involved with occurred at school and they usually had anywhere from an hour to 7 hour head start on us. Another 15% occurred during home visits, and the other 10% from the house or church.
At that first home, we were allowed to take measures that discouraged running away, (Close supervision, not allowing the child to have money, taking their shoes away while at the home in-doors, etc.) but we were not allowed to stop them. If they tan we would try to keep them in sight while we called the police and admin. The police could physically hold them, we could not. The bright side for the home was that only one child was ever truly successful at running away (they were able to run away and did not get caught until after they were considered an adult), however the natural consequences were far worse than any she would have received as a juvenile (She had no education, because she dropped out. Plus she was a single parent to her child that was born while she was a teenager on the run)
We had youth that were able to stay on the run for several months, but most were caught within a day or two. We had youth that were able to get well over 1000 miles away, but most stayed right in the local area. The times that we were able to foil runaway plans, resulted in some pretty funny stories, and the more I dealt with runaways the less terrifying they became for me. But I will never forget the very fist one I had to deal with, and how truly scared I was.
We had been houseparents for less than a week. The girl that ran away was 13 years old and was attending summer school. She was a beautiful young lady that seemed very intelligent and for the most part a very sweet personality. She asked my wife to make muffins and get soft drinks for an end of summer school party they were having. She gladly did, and to this day we still joke about how not only did she let her run away, but gave her food to eat while she was gone. We dropped here off at summer school that morning, at noon when my wife went to pick her up she never came out. After about a 1/2 hour she went into the school and they said she was never there that day. The chaos began, and we notified admin and the police. I spent most of the day driving around town, checking the parks and local kid hangouts, all the while terrified that she might try to hitchhike somewhere and be abducted by some psycho or something. I honestly can’t describe the terror I felt. Thankfully she didn’t run far and was arrested three days later. She ended spending most of her teen years in placement at the State Girls School, and group homes.
I have gotten much better at dealing with runaways and I am thankful I don’t have to deal with it as much as I used to, but it still has an effect on me when I do.
Lady Incredible
Thanks for the replies!
We are not physically allowed to stop anyone from running away here either.
Most times the kids even tell us they plan to run. The law enforcement here really despises runaways and can’t stand the state laws that won’t intervene.
Hair Color and Piercings
September 19, 2009 by Webmaster · Leave a Comment
prsthelrd
What if any policies do your homes have on hair color and body piercings???
webmaster
Our first facility (A therapeutic Group Home) you were not allowed to dye your hair while in the program. Breaking the rule meant starting over. As far as piercings: Girls could only have piercings in their ears and could only wear hoop or stud earrings. NO safety pins, chains, etc. Boys could only have one piercing in each ear and could only wear stud earrings. Staff men can wear hoop earrings.
At our current facility (Basic Foster Care Home) Girls can dye their hair a natural color, wear piercings in their ears, men and boys are not allowed to have piercings. Body piercings are not allowed although several children have gotten away with it (Mostly Belly Button Piercings)
Additionally Tattoos were not allowed at either facility, however again, many youth managed to get away with it.
Lady Incredible
Where I work the kids are only allowed to wear one pair of earrings and they have to be studs, no hoops, etc.. No body piercings are allowed for either gender.
As for hair coloring, if they come in with green hair for instance they can keep it but they can’t dye their hair while they are here.